Grief, it’s a complicated thing
unaddressed it can go on for…..decades
I’ve been kneeling at the alter of grief for so long
it’s time to stand up, and walk away
since being sober I’ve realised
although a lot of people I love are gone
I'm still here...
this is the last time I’m writing this letter
I've just got a few more things to say
and its cheaper than therapy
Twenty years, twenty years ago to the day
our world changed forever, would never be the same
our family’s anchor let go on Valentines Day
that day, on my mind, engrained, lifeless you laid
it wouldn’t go away - no matter what I’d do or say
no one knew how to handle it damn it felt like abandonment
man a family dismantled every one abandoned ship
sparking two decades of anger n abuse…
if I’m honest, I lost my way is the truth
till i found my way to the booth, expressed my own truth
let loose all the sadness held sacred since youth
ten years on I wrote my first song
told you what I never got to say and got out of my own way
a few years after that, an album by the same name
after Dad passed away and I spilled my soul on the page
neither of you got to hear, I’ll play it for you some day
All the years, all the tears, now its time to let go
facing fears now I’m clear every day that I grow
this is the last time I put pen to paper, I want you to know
finding peace, I’m no longer alone, this chapter must close
I met a woman on the tube on the way back from the o2
from the Rambling Roses days, she said she knew you
that threw me a bit, she said to call but I never did
that was enough to let me know you're still there
watching over
with your hand on my shoulder, when the monster takes over
when I'm tired of being a soldier n sober having no closure
keeping my composure when I’m being exposed to
people saying get over but not how to get over
they lived a life I craved while I’m trapped in this enclosure
every Valentines and Mothers Day hit like a bulldozer
remember on Ten Years when I said you said you didn't wanna leave
well part of me believe's you never did and been watching over me
I've had thoughts come and go thoughts of just letting go
but I seen so many that path go and learnt to many lessons so
maybe you sent them to help, i don't know, I’m guessing
and I guess it’s only human to wanna still feel your presence
All the years, all the tears, now its time to let go
facing fears now I’m clear every day that I grow
this is the LAST time I put pen to paper, I want you to know
free from grief I’m no longer alone, this chapter must close
I watched Dad crumble on more than one occasion
it didn’t help my face reminded him of Nathan
we used to sit as a family in front of the fire place n
now a faded memory but nothing could replace ‘em
the space le, the hardest thing about loss
your laugh and advice - the things I miss most
I've had highs and lows, paid the cost, loved and lost
done my best to dot the I’s and tried to get the T’s crossed
people ask why I ain’t been back in such a long time
it’s cos everywhere I look I see the scene of old crimes
that look in Dad’s eyes and all I hear is your cries
sometimes it amplifies n I forget the good times
I don’t feel how I did with ten years or no time
now I see I was wrong, there’s time for goodbyes
I wont be writing again
so one last time
with one last rhyme, my pen a way to keep your memories alive
All the years, all the tears, now its time to let go
facing fears now I’m clear every day that I grow
this is the LAST time I put pen to paper, I want you to know
free from grief I’m no longer alone, this chapter is closed.
credits
released February 14, 2018
Written by Paul Nathan Fisk
Chorus performed by C.W Jones (@cwjonesbonedry)
Fisky is a Poet, Rapper, Public Speaker, Founder of Mind Over Matter and member of London’s #Flopoet collective mentored by
Natalie ‘The Floacist’ Stewart.
Writing has always been Fisky’s therapist. He draws on his twenty years lived experience with addiction and depression to raise awareness and process his own struggles....more
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